Hippy Dippy Feelings Post

SadnessI talk about mental health and self care a lot.  It’s a favorite topic of mine, honestly.  I tend to focus on self care, tools we can use to combat stress and anxiety, and affirmations that things do get better.

Occasionally, I’ll see a sarcastic meme about self care.  Watch someone roll their eyes when they talk about ‘those crazy people’.  Sometimes I’ll watch as someone gets lambasted because they shared something they were struggling with, watch as they are told they are just doing it for attention.  I’ve been lucky that none of my friends have said it to me, but some folks apparently feel the need to be disrespectful to those who are suffering because they don’t understand.

Seeing that always breaks my heart.

I don’t talk about my anxiety to garner attention. (There is SO much more out there that should catch your attention. Seriously, if you haven’t noticed the world is in a bit of an uproar, I’m positive you can find something worthwhile to focus on.  There is plenty for you to choose from.)  No, I don’t talk about my struggles, my frustrations, because I want pity. I talk about it because I know so many people who suffer the same. I see it in my friends, I see it in society, I see it all throughout history.  We all are dealing with anxiety, self defeating talk, self harm and a whole host of other mental health issues.  By talking about my own struggles, by letting those who are currently living in the darkness of depression know I understand what they are going through, I can help them to feel less lonely.

Most people want to experience connection.  Most folks just want to be understood.

I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life.  But it came to a head in 2014 when I started having massive anxiety attacks.  These attacks would leave me in agonizing pain and sometimes resulted in blackouts.  It was a seriously scary time.  Knowing I was not alone was the only thing that helped me learn my coping mechanisms, it was the only thing that kept me sane. Knowing that while I suffer, I suffer with some damn fine people and that despite their suffering they were still amazing people.

That simple realization changed my perspective on a lot of things.  Suffering doesn’t make you a bad person.  How you react to that suffering determines that.

So yes, I talk about my brain weasels a lot. More than I am comfortable sometimes. But if it helps, if it shines a light for someone lost in darkness to give them hope… I’ll keep talking.

For those who are suffering; You are not alone, I see you, I understand.


Quiet Saturday Musings

Vedis sat in silence, surrounded by books deemed ancient by today’s standards.  The soft hum of the electric lights still put her on edge so she settled for several candles scattered around her library when she was alone.  She had been lost in silence for so long, alone even among her brothers and sisters.  Lucifer had ruled by fear once he had fallen, losing sight of the creature he once was when bathed with holy light.  That isolated her even more, was it any wonder why she clung to humanity so tightly?  Seeking a single moment of pleasure that would remind her of what she had once been?  But pleasure is fleeting, and she could not hide within it any longer.

It was Llwyd who had finally raised her up, his love, his power, wild and deep, pulling her from her tormented depths into something resembling forgiveness.  She closes her eyes, listening to the voices of the Host as if a child lost in the sounds of it’s mother’s voice.  She didn’t bother focusing upon the words, songs of praise, songs of power, little whispered words to the scared and uncertain.  She simply reveled in the sound of it.  Order upon chaos.  Her bonds broken with a simple word from the Creator, she knew she was no longer trapped in this strange modern world.  She knew that she could leave any time.  But she had given her word, and it had saved her.  She would help Isabella, now known as Emma.  She could fix the past if she had to, but she knew the cost of such a powerful act.  Nothing ruins realities more than messing with their timelines, and once such as herself spanned so many timelines.

She sighs, a gentle sound that slips, lost, into the silence.  She had a few more hours before her first assignment with Llwyd’s strange modern day company.  She had no doubt that she would be useful to the humans they serviced.  Their needs complicated, but easy enough to handle.  She was a Watcher now, after all, it was her job to bring enlightenment to the masses.  A new path, perhaps, but one she was happy to walk.

She smiled as Llwyd walked in, his form shimmering at the sight of her, the intensity of his gaze curling her lips in a smile.  They would have to keep up the masquerade for a while longer but when they were alone together all the glamour faded away.

She finally felt the loneliness seep from her bones, after eons wandering, she finally felt as if she had come home.