Find Your Moons

Perfection is a lie.

This last week has been a trial. I fell into a well of depression and anxiety that was crippling. I am blessed my work allows me to have weeks where I can work in fits and bursts because I was so swallowed by darkness I was barely functional.

During these times I don’t do trancework, I don’t perform Seidhr. I lay my offerings at the feet of the Gods and I hold on tight.

Most marketing professionals will tell you to keep things light. People don’t want to hear about your suffering when they look at your page and to an extent I agree. There is plenty of suffering in this world, why add to it?

Because by avoiding the conversation we stigmatize it. We isolate those who suffer. By always putting forth a positive face and a smile you lie to those who need the truth.

Life is hard. There is little we can do to change that truth, but there is so much we can do to soften it. Compassion and kindness go a long way to making life an easier burden to bear. Having a community, a tribe to help you bear the burden is vital. Knowing that others have suffered as you have suffered, and survived, helps you to survive too.

I am blessed by wonderful friends who are more than happy to reflect my light back to me when I cannot see it myself. Their kindness and compassion, their stories of survival make it easier to focus on the end of the tunnel when the darkness will fall away once more and my light will shine out again. My moons. My saviors. I know I can depend on them because they know that I will do the same for them when the time comes.

I am feeling better, not perfect, but as I said, perfection is a lie.

When the darkness falls around you, may you find yourself surrounded by many moons to help light your way back home.

Freed from the Chains of Silence

Breaking the Chains of Silence2

I have had this blog for a long time.  The first post was February 18th of 2010 and since then I have posted things I have found on the internet that amused me along side tidbits of my writing.  I have used this blog to host my short story “Dreaming of White Marble Tombstones” and excerpts from the larger novel I am working on.

Nothing earth shattering for sure.  But it is a lovely way for me to keep track of things and let my friends and family see what twisted shit lies within this brain of mine.

I wasn’t able to do much more with it until recently.  Posting anything personal was forbidden.  Hinting that there was a person behind these posts, unthinkable.  This blog was a glimpse into my world, yet never more than a passing glance upon the beauty of a still pool, it’s depths hidden and unknown.

Perhaps it is better if it stays that way.  But the bindings that have held me back for so long are no longer there.  I no longer have to worry about being ‘allowed’ to write about myself or my family.  I will still maintain some distance for safety’s sake.  I know this is a public venture after all, and as such, one much take care what information they allow the public to see.  But I want people to know that yes, there is a person behind these writings, and yes, I have thoughts and feelings beyond the short stories and prose I write.

As always, I am an ephemeral prosaist, my writings are few and far between but rest assured they shall come, even more often if I am given the pleasure of responses from my audience.  Proving to me I write not just for myself gives me incentive to write more often so feel free to comment here or on facebook.

Much of my free time is given over to my hobbies.  Role Play, both online and live action, video games of all sorts, and my eternal love, beadwork. I even sell some of my beadwork in hopes of bringing in some extra money with which to buy more beads.  (Shameless plug)

Role play has brought me some of my closest friends.  It is where I met my husband as well as given me the opportunity to see the world through eyes not my own.  It has honed my writing skill and given me confidence I can take into other aspects of my life.

My faith is personal and strong.  I might go into it more here in another post, but there are things that I don’t feel comfortable talking about yet.  Politics and religion being the top two.  Just know that I am well aware of the majesty of the world around me and I take comfort in that knowledge.

Both of these things, my hobbies and my faith has allowed me to confront the shadows from my past and helps me to work through the darkness that taints my soul.  I suffer from anxiety attacks due to the Dark Times I have suffered.  My husband is a blessing in my life because he knows what it’s like to have to deal this these particular shadows, and his hand has guided me more often than once though the nightmares that follow.

At this point of my life I am truly blessed.  I never thought it could be this good.

I am hoping to make this blog more of an open expression of who I am as a person, as well as a writer.  My day to day life may be boring, or they may inspire.  Who knows?  My favorite quote is by Maya Angelou, “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”  I write because it pours from my soul, not because I have some great lesson to teach or because I know how to fix the world.

I am who I am and I am content with that.